Name it to Frame It

I often think and talk a lot about our ability to manage our emotions as parents. It’s the cornerstone of essentially all the strategies that we use to support children. Keeping our own internal resources (rest, nutrition, exercise, etc.) up is foundational to be able to keep our cool in the face of a tiny, unraveling (or worse still-- exploding) human. But keeping your resources high is obviously not the only secret to managing your response. If it were, we’d have never had the experience of feeling great and suddenly being triggered by a challenging behavior (i.e., hitting, resisting the car seat, using harsh language toward you) or even just an annoying behavior (i.e., being noisy or fussing/whining).

The brain’s role in our capacity to regulate thoughts, feelings, actions and other behavior is no longer the mystery it once was (namely when we were being parented). I talk about this a lot, but I want to dig into it again because I recently listened to a podcast called Momwell in which the host interviewed Daniel Siegel, M.D. who is an expert on the topic.

Last month’s workshop “Setting Positive Limits” focused on responding to challenging behavior with positive responses, intended to teach children what to do. For example, rather than saying, “Stop running!”, a more effective ...correction is, “Walk in the house.” This teaches the behavior you prefer. That said, it may not resolve the underlying issue. In this case, the underlying issue may be that the child has an excess of energy they need to burn off (rather than simply being unaware of the house rule to avoid running inside the house), and the activities deemed acceptable for indoor play are insufficient to meet the child’s need to move. In that case, a parent could instead say, “It looks like you have lots of energy right now. We can run outside. Let’s go!” This sounds simple, but it’s not always easy.

What if, under the surface, the parent is actually truly worried that their child will be hurt as they run through the house? In order to respond effectively, parents need to be able to identify the child’s underlying need, but also be aware of their own internal experience. This is the key to self-regulation. In this case, the parent may say out loud, “I saw your body get too close to the edge of the stairs as you were running! That scared me! I almost used a yelling voice.” [Big sigh, wipes sweat from brow] “I can see you have lots of energy. We can run outside. Let’s go!”

Being aware of one’s internal experience is also the key to understanding why an annoying behavior can pull the rug out from under you, so to speak. In the podcast episode that I’ve linked above, the host describes a scenario from her own parenting experience, in which all three of her children were making requests of her at once. This might not sound so bad, and might not bother every parent, but could certainly result in some parents feeling overwhelmed and suddenly flying off the handle. Instead, the host narrated her experience to her children, saying something like, There are three of you talking to me at once, but I can only ...hear one voice at a time. I’m feeling overwhelmed! Please take turns to tell me what you need.

In narrating her own experience, she modeled a self-regulation behavior for her children (naming her experience), but in doing so, she also effectively regulated her own nervous system. (That’s the great thing about these strategies– not only do parents benefit, but children do, as well.) Dr. Siegel used this example to remind listeners about the strategy he introduced in his book, The Whole Brain Child (co-authored by Tina Payne Bryson), called Name it to Tame it, which he’s since updated to Name it to Frame it.

Dr. Siegel explains that verbalizing our emotions can reduce their impact. If you attended the co-regulation series in the fall, you may remember hearing about the idea of brain integration. Using the left hemisphere (the linguistic side) to acknowledge the experience of the right hemisphere (the emotional side) allows us to manage our responses, and keep our thinking brain (the Prefrontal Cortex which is responsible for analyzing, predicting, and planning) working (integrated), rather than shutting down in the face of stress. To me, an integrated brain means that one part of the brain provides support to the others, and allows us to self-regulate.

I hope you’ll take the time to listen to the podcast that inspired this reflection. If you do, please let me know! I’d love to hear from you what you took away and what you will be trying on for size in your own parenting practice.

Even if you don’t listen to the podcast, try narrating your inner experience around your child, and see how it goes. Keep it age-appropriate, but authentic.