Why isn’t this working?

February 2025

A parent came to my office recently to discuss a challenge they have recently been experiencing with their child. The parent described their responses, their efforts to communicate and even explained the thinking that justified their decisions. They were able to demonstrate an understanding of the importance of holding boundaries for the benefit of their child. But they felt like they were missing something because their child’s pattern of frustrating behavior persisted.

It was a great reminder that the most appropriate responses don’t always result in an immediate improvement. In fact, sometimes the most problematic responses are actually the ones that result in immediate compliance, which explains why, as parents, we sometimes continue to use strategies that we know may be damaging. After all, they seem to “work”. But what do we even mean when we say that a strategy or response does or doesn’t work? If a strategy results in compliance but also creates confusion and mistrust, I would say it does not, in actuality, work. If a strategy results in understanding and movement toward the parent’s ultimate goal, I would say that it does work, even if the behavior change is not yet in full effect.

When our aim is to teach children (this is, after all, the definition of ‘discipline’), we must take into account the limitations related to their age and development, plus their unique characteristics (temperament and personality traits), and of course, the circumstances at hand, but we must also remember to be patient. Learning takes time and is generally not demonstrable with consistency for some time after first practicing a new skill, or even until further brain development takes place (read the linked article if your child is three or younger, or you want to better understand your former three-year-old!).

The damaging responses I referred to are quick and appear effective in gaining compliance, but they are not sustainable, because they don’t teach the right lesson. For example, a parent wants to leave the park to go home, but the child wants to stay and continue playing. The parent, after offering warnings, reminders, and even negotiations, says, perhaps even playfully, “Okay, I’m going home. You can stay here by yourself.” We all know that to a child, being abandoned by a parent is the most terrifying possibility of all, thanks to their yet-intact survival instincts, so you can bet they are going to rush to their parent’s side. Yet, when we rely on fear or threats to get children to do what we want them to do, they are not learning how to behave; rather, they are desperately trying to avoid something unimaginably scary while very likely learning other unsavory lessons related to insecurity and trust. (While the link takes you to a podcast that discusses children using threats toward parents, surprise! –one of the underlying causes of this behavior is the parent using threats or pseudo threats to promote compliance. Even if you think you don’t use threats, it is a worthwhile listen!)

Interestingly, when I checked in with another parent recently after having done some troubleshooting with them a few months back, they reflected that they hadn’t actually realized things had been going more smoothly in their morning routine until I asked. When the process is so gradual, you may not even realize that it is improving. Again, the process is slow because it takes time for individuals to learn ways of being.

Responding consistently over time helps children know what to expect, and eventually, with support, adapt their behavior to this consistent pattern. But if we don’t feel like it’s “working”, it can be hard to carry on. That said, your gut instinct is one of your most important parenting tools. You have to be like the parent who inspired this reflection, in that you know why you are doing something, and that it matches your child’s unique needs. If what you are trying is out of alignment with your child, then consistency is pointless. You’ll end up frustrated and frustrating your child.

Finally, regardless of the strategies you are practicing, or how long you’ve been at it, continually working to uncover your child’s underlying need is critical. This month, during our new lunchtime workshop, we’ll be talking about Setting Positive Limits*. To set positive limits effectively, we must have an idea of what a child’s need is in order to determine what limits are appropriate, so expect to discuss this further then.

*Remember that pre-registering for workshops is now required and that I will be limiting participation to allow for participants to be actively involved. If you register, and later realize you’re unable to attend, please let me know so that I can offer your spot to a parent on the waiting list. (Thank you!)